How does a lug-nut like Vince McMahon get stinking rich?

World Wresting Entertainment Chairman Vince McMahon is doing quite well for himself. The man has figured out that the act of slamming combatants with chairs, ladders and trash cans is the kind of entertainment that people, apparently lots of people, will pay to see. He’s successfully parlayed “professional” wrestling into an empire as part showman, part snake-oil marketing whiz kid and part sleazy purveyor of physical violence. When studying the concept of selling to the lowest common denominator, Vince McMahon is elevated to Professor Laureate. In case you didn’t know, under the auspices of the WWE, the man also produces movies.

Knowing your audience.

“10 people will fight, 9 people will die... You get to watch.” The tagline for Lionsgate’s dubiously timed (post VA Tech) April 27th release for The Condemned says it all. It certainly shouts out from it’s marketing one sheet that it has it’s audience nailed. The advance trailer went even further in agitating the primal urges of the rock-headed morons who eat this crap up. Between teaser shots the words set the tone... “On a remote island... the most vicious form of illegal entertainment... is about to go online.” (Does the audience for this have the skill to read without tracing their fingers along the screen?)  How long could we go after the success of CBS Television’s Survivor before someone in Hollywood would pony up the bucks to make this obvious and depressing spin-off? Only as long as it took someone who already is knee-deep in circus side-shows to realize another path to profit. Mr. McMahon is an expert and he seems to have a vast feeding ground of dull-witted chumps to suck dollars from.

Take a look at the movie’s marketing website. Better yet don’t. I did and the last thing I want to be responsible for is driving more traffic to the site. As soon as the opening page “activates” you’re assaulted with the sounds of a jungle, wild birds drowned out by the crackling of machine gunfire and explosions. Along with a synopsis and the usual downloads and registrations the options offer “Fight Now”, “Fight a Friend” & “Inmate List”. There’s even a users list of inmates sporting pictures posted of each with cute screen names to go along. So you’re treated to the vacant mugs of mindless action movie fans with names like “Big Death”, “Blood Thirsty” and someone who goes by “the Cripple” attached to the face of Don King. (OK, there’s some humor to using Don King’s photo.) If you go so far as to enter a promo sweepstakes, you do so by texting the word “Fight” to the given number. Hell, were the filmmakers too shy to just use the word “Death”? How about “Obscene”?

Knowing when enough is enough.

OK America, there’s only so much of this that we can take or should be expected to tolerate. No one at Moviedozer advocates censorship, or for that matter any suppression of a creative idea. Well, there’s nothing at all creative about this idea, so lets just say that I couldn’t for a moment support suppressing any spark of expression. But what of some high mindedness? Perhaps some taste, a little tact, a bit of restraint in favor of compelling storytelling? The real disgust The Condemned brings to the back of the throat is it’s overt cynicism toward it’s own audience and to Mr. McMahon’s own legion of fans. The story line, or what there is that passes for one, revolves around a producer taking 10 death row inmates, dropping them on a remote island, literally, and then filming them tear one another to bits while net-casting the whole thing on an illegal website. There’s much made about the perversion of the public tuning in to watch this death elimination as entertainment. While peddling what feels like bloody pornography (“gratuitous” and “exploitive” seem too light weight), The Condemned is pretending to blame the audience for wanting to watch.  Considering the reality of the WWE’s penchant for marketing violence, the message that you shouldn’t want to watch is beyond belief.  Perhaps the best way for this movie to make it’s phony point would be to let audiences in for free and if you don’t walk out offended before the closing credits you would have to cough up your ten bucks to get the hell out of the theater.

It takes a village to make a movie so let’s not forget to spread some blame around. After all, McMahon’s smart enough to take your money but I seriously doubt he could string the sentences together to write a screenplay. Enter writer Rob Hedden with stellar credits like Knight Rider 2000 for Universal Television and Writer / Director Scott Wiper. Tell me please that this was all about paychecks and paying bills. McMahon tapped one of the WWE’s own in Stone Cold Steve Austin who heads up the uninspired cast, grabbing his turn as big screen action lead. Perhaps The Rock could have offered some career advice. Hey Stone Cold whatever... I get the action star thing. Maybe you can be the next Hulk? Cartoon violence is OK with me. Real world violence is unavoidable. What is avoidable is senseless crap that makes you look like a desperate wannabe or worse, a talentless hack. I doubt you consider yourself either.

What’s up Lionsgate? Is this as good as you get for worthy projects? In a sometimes shockingly violent world do you have no sense of responsibility as a studio to even think about your releases in terms of real world events? I can remember Universal studios delaying the opening of their Twister themed attraction in one of their theme parks when a deadly tornado touched ground in a nearby town. To the Lionsgate’s executives, you should be ashamed. A little discretion and some common sense was so obviously appropriate. Perhaps you’ll feel the same way after the weekend box office is in.

Moviedozer’s credo is to “Push past the Hype of Hollywood” and there’s where the story changes. If this article were simply a look at the truth of the project’s marketing, it comes damn close to being pretty much a case of you get what you came for. Aside from that crap about it being your fault for wanting to watch, the creative nexus over at WWE delivers on their promise. Albeit a thin and shallow, pessimistic take on savagery as entertainment. But you know, in the real world, it is your fault for wanting to watch. If you weren’t willing to pay for a seat, the movie simply doesn’t get made. Too late this time, but you have your chance to smackdown Lionsgate and the WWE for pitching so much garbage onto your local theater’s movie screens. Rise above the condescending arrogance that’s been directed at you and bash Vince McMahon’s bottom line by going out to a movie this weekend and checking out what’s playing on a different screen. But then, maybe I’m wasting pixels. Just how many people anxious to see The Condemned can actually understand that they’re the butt of the joke?

April 30. 2007: A Post Script.

As the Monday morning postings of the weekend box office rolled in it became clear that there are more intelligent people seeking out new movie releases than Vince McMahon’s WWE would hope for. The Condemned, in all it’s mindlessness, debuted at number nine with a mere 4 million dollars in sales. With Spiderman 3 waiting in the wings for next weekend the prospects for any improvement are happily very bleak. Now let’s hope the DVD tanks and the WWE goes back to what they do best, bashing each other over the head with folding chairs.

Friday, April 27, 2007